Lately I have been thinking a lot about jealousy. It’s one of those subjects that I feel has an insane amount of negativity attached to it. I mean, I understand why because obviously it’s not the most glamourous of emotions, but if we’re going to be honest it is quite common to everyone.
From my point of view, society sees jealously as being spoiled, greedy and/or selfish. In some ways I don’t think that’s particularly wrong, but I do see the other side of things as well. Jealousy sucks. It is a terrible way to feel. I know this, because I feel it quite a lot. I don’t want to feel it, I don’t like to feel it but it has a way of creeping up on me and then I can’t shake it off [insert Taylor Swift joke here].
From my personal experience, my jealousy stems from simply feeling that I am inadequate. I see other people who have their lives all figured out, they are in school doing what they know they love and have a passion for, they are on their way to jobs that will become their career and lead them to success; yet instead of feeling happy for them, I just feel this pang of jealousy deep inside. It’s not because I believe I should get whatever I want, or that I am more deserving and should have nicer things… I just lust after the fact that they have reached a sense of self that I have been pining after for years and years. They are doing things that I wish I had the confidence to even attempt and that makes me feel like crap. Maybe this does sound spoiled, greedy or selfish but I honestly don’t feel that I am like that. When I feel jealous I feel so disgusted with myself. I try so hard to figure out why I feel that way and then I try to make sense of it, but unfortunately all of my detective work doesn’t help make the feeling go away.
All in all I guess the point I am trying to make with this post, is that not all jealousy comes from a bad place. It comes from a place of insecurity and inadequacy and it feels just as crummy as it looks on the outside. That’s the end of my soapbox for tonight :).
Thank you for reading,