Learning to Own Your Insecurities

As you can tell by the title of this post, we are going to be discussing insecurities, and of those I have many. As we all do. As a child we begin blissfully unaware of the world of insecurities. We aren’t comparing ourselves to others looks and we think all of our parents are the most beautiful people in the world. The innocence of it is amazing and I wish we could all stay that way. However, then one day we hear our mothers talking to their friends about being fat and needing to go on a diet; and then a kid at school points out the size of your nose (at least in my case) and we go on to notice more and more things about ourselves that may not be completely perfect.

Fast forward to our teenage and adult years and we have lists upon lists of things that we don’t like about ourselves. Things that we try to hide from others; we use makeup to cover spots and to contour our faces into looking thinner and more defined. We only take photos at certain angles because we want to avoid the double chin, or the tummy pooch and we edit them with smoothing filters to make our skin look flawless. In the media every single day we hear more about models being photo shopped and how they portray an unachievable goal yet we still feel pressured to look just like them. I for one definitely use the above techniques to make my photos look better, I suck in my stomach and push out my bum when I pose. I take at least 20 photos before I get even ONE that I like and am happy with. Of course then I edit it and filter it so that it’s even more “perfect”.

There is however one thing I won’t do, and that’s to photo shop a body part. The reason being that I want people to see me and know me for me. It’s safe to say that everyone has little tricks to make themselves look better in pictures, and although we shouldn’t feel like we have to use them, for right now it’s what we do. I will still edit my pictures in ways that make me feel more comfortable, but I won’t put out something that isn’t truly me.

When my friend and I went out to take snow photos this week, she took a side profile photo of me. When I saw it I was horrified because I am extremely insecure about my nose. I thought it looked absolutely disgusting, and we joked around about how she should photo shop it to make it cuter. I didn’t think much of it until I got the photos back from her and she had actually photo shopped my nose, for fun. I wasn’t upset that she did it, I was more upset that I liked how it looked and I wished my nose really looked that way. Except I knew for a fact I could never post that photo. Anyone who knows me in real life, would know the picture was photo shopped and anyone who doesn’t know me deserves to know me as the person I really am. All of the filters and lighting changes are a pretty obvious edit, but when it comes to the actual shape of my nose, that’s pretty hard to fake in real life. It’s important to me that I own who I am and what I look like; I refuse to pretend to be any other way.

I ended up asking my friend for the photos without my nose photo shopped and she gave them to me. To my surprise I actually didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would. When I feel insecure about something, I automatically assume that everyone else is staring at that particular thing. I mean who is going to think the picture is cute when my nose is in the way right?! Once I took a second look though, I realized it wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought.

I started to scroll through Instagram to look at other people’s pictures and see what I noticed. All I noticed was beautiful, happy, people. I know of some accounts where they have addressed their insecurities and when I heard what they were I was so shocked because that never even crossed my mind while looking at them. It may be the first thing they see, but it’s never the first thing I see. You literally have to train your brain into seeing that vice versa as well. No one is critiquing you the way you are, and if they are—you’re doing something right with yourself because they are jealous!

Overanalyzing the way other people look sounds like a very judgemental and critical thing to do, but I don’t do it to pick out others flaws. I do it to understand that literally EVERYONE has flaws and insecurities. EVERYONE. I have to remind myself of that every day. That is why I adore when YouTubers upload vlogs when they aren’t wearing makeup and snap chat throughout their day. It reminds me that not everyone looks their 110% best all of the time, and that it’s okay for me not to as well.

I have wanted to get a nose job since I was in the 6th grade, and maybe one day I will. I have nothing against plastic surgery if it’s something you truly want. However I don’t want it to be something I do so that other people will like me more, or so that I will like me more. I just want it to be something I do if I have the money and if I still want it in a few years. I want to be completely comfortable with the way that I am before making any big decisions about my looks, and I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go before I am there.

What are some ways you own your insecurities? Is there anything I should add?

Thanks for reading,

xo Sara

Remembering My Mom

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom passing away.

Even as I write that, I still can’t believe it. It’s not something I have come to terms with myself and I am trying to grasp the situation as a whole. I often find myself wondering sometimes if it’s all just a bad dream. I mean it doesn’t make any sense, even a year later I can’t wrap my brain around it. My heart is broken, my life feels very meaningless and dark and I am still accompanied by the depression I have been haunted by for over 6 years. Except now, it feels more unmanageable than ever. Simply imagining what my life will be like now without my mom in it, is more painful than anything I have ever felt before. My mom was my guide, my advisor, my confidante, my idol and my friend; and that’s just to name a few. She was the smartest, most giving and caring person you could ever know. She was also an artist in every way. She painted, sketched, repurposed, designed, created stained glass… the list goes on.

She also wrote. She had her own blog… well, she had multiple over the years. I know of a few of them but there was one that was more personal to her that I hope to find soon, dedicated to her battle with ovarian cancer. She kept this one private and shared it with other sufferers of the horrible disease, I believe because she wanted to truly be honest and share her deepest feelings; whether they were good or bad. Blogging and writing is something her and I shared because it is where we both felt we could release our true feelings without being criticized by the people we knew. We understood each other on that level, which is why I never asked her for her most recent blog address and she never asked me for mine. I hope now to find it, because I want to be able to look back on her words and connect with her. She had such a way with words, and she was always so uplifting, optimistic and inspiring even on the worst days. I have always admired her for that. Even if -as a pessimistic person myself- it annoyed me a little.

Yesterday I remembered her by doing the things she loved. I drank English Breakfast Tea with cream, I scratched 4 lotto tickets (and won $4 haha), and I went to the Stanley Park Christmas train because we used to do that over the holiday season. Throughout my days now I often find myself considering what she would say or do in certain situations in order to help myself make better decisions. It’s safe to say her and I would not always have agreed haha.

So I want to close this post, by saying that I want to continue on with my blogging and writing, for me and for my mom. She documented her struggle and her journey and I know she would want me to keep writing. It’s not going to be a straight shoot, and it’s going to be hard but I want to honour her and make her proud. I don’t think I could ever measure up to the person that she was, but it can never hurt to try and get close.

So to my mom: I love you, and I miss you terribly. This is all for you.

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Snow in Vancouver?!

Vancouver Got A Snow Day!

If you don’t already know, I am from Vancouver BC, Canada. When most people think of Canada they think of maple flavoured snacks, extra polite people, and snow… lots and lots of snow! Well in Vancouver we don’t see a whole lot of it. Usually once every winter we will get snow but it either doesn’t stick to the ground or doesn’t last longer than a day. Our city definitely does not fit with the rest of the country as far as the harsh winters go. Being someone who drives, I am generally very okay with that. Due to the fact that we don’t experience very much snow, as a city we all kind of forget how to human when it does snow. That can make driving seriously dangerous. It is funny though how crazy everyone gets.

Fast forward to this past week, and Vancouver’s weather game has changed! We got quite a large dumping of snow last Monday and it made the roads crazy, schools close and some businesses as well. Seriously, I’m not kidding about forgetting how to human – 3 inches of snow and we close schools. It’s comical, and makes me love this city even more. However, we assumed that would be our snow fall for the season and we enjoyed it while we had it. Turns out we were in for an even bigger snow storm than our city has seen in years. It hit early Friday morning and lasted all throughout Saturday morning.

Generally I am a big scrooge about snow; it makes the world look beautiful but the obstacle it creates for getting around can be very stressful. This time around I decided to take advantage of its beauty, so my friend Kristen and I ventured out to get some winter-esque photos!

Go figure, a few hours later the storm got worse and I ended up sliding diagonally down a snowy street. Then I proceeded to get myself stuck in the centre of the road. Needless to say it gave me an insane bout of anxiety, I was late for work and I didn’t have access to my car for 3 days. I am so glad we got some great photos, and it was a refreshing change from all the rain we’ve been getting (2 months non-stop of rain, I’m not even kidding), but I am grateful that I don’t live somewhere with a lot of snow because I don’t think I could handle it.

Below are some of the photos that we took. We went out on two separate days and these are just a few. I plan on sharing some more in future posts! Hope you enjoy 🙂

What is the weather like where you live?

Thanks for reading,

xo Sara

Photos of me are taken by my friend Kristen, you can find her photography instagram page here: @ksbphotography

All other photos are taken by me.

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Gotta have my Starbs, always!

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This is one of my favourites!

 

 

Feeling Overwhelmed

Hello, and welcome back to my little corner of the interweb!

Today I just want to chat about life. Hopefully someone can relate to this, and maybe I can help or perhaps you can help me!

I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed this past week, more so than normal. I think it’s directly related to last weekend being insanely busy at work but I also think that my fears, thoughts, and aspirations have been teaming up on me. Basically I worked 19 hours between Saturday and Sunday and had no time for anything at all. When I finally got home I was exhausted and worn out. I’m currently a server at a restaurant, so my job is not only physical but emotional as well. If you’re a server, have been a server, or know someone who is then you probably understand what I’m talking about. It can take a lot out of you and last weekend it definitely did.

I felt like I didn’t have any time to myself to just relax and by the time I got home from work I had no energy to do the things I wanted to do. My back was killing me and my feet were really sore and it made it very hard to do anything except lay on the couch once I got home. However, by just crashing on the couch, I made myself more anxious and overwhelmed because I felt guilty about it. I was home from a long day at work, yet I was watching other people on social platforms live their lives the way I wanted to live mine; and I was doing nothing to move towards my goals.

I have started to realize over the last few months that I am the only one who can make a change in my life. I mean I have always known that nothing would change drastically unless I did it, but thinking about it and dreaming about it didn’t count as action. It’s a scary thing, to take your life into your own hands. I have always lived in other people’s shadows, scared to do something different, afraid of what people would think. Afraid to fail. I still am. In spite of that, I am doing it. I am trying. I am writing this post to attest to this. I keep believing that every one of my posts needs to have a fancy, well edited featured image and photos to keep everyone reading. It probably would help. Yet, I am letting the fear of not having those things all the time, get in the way of just posting. I can’t move forward if I don’t do it, right? I know things will come in time I just need more experience and time to learn.

I want everything I do and write, to be an accurate portrayal of who I am as a person. I want it to be raw, and real. 100 %.

So if you’re going through similar feelings of being overwhelmed by everything you want from life, I am here for you and would love to chat. I hope I was able to encourage someone to just jump in, regardless of what it is that you want, or your skill level in it. Just grab hold and go, if you think about it any longer you won’t do it. I have waited 5 years to start aiming for my goals. Don’t be like me. You’ve got this!

xo Sara