Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom passing away.
Even as I write that, I still can’t believe it. It’s not something I have come to terms with myself and I am trying to grasp the situation as a whole. I often find myself wondering sometimes if it’s all just a bad dream. I mean it doesn’t make any sense, even a year later I can’t wrap my brain around it. My heart is broken, my life feels very meaningless and dark and I am still accompanied by the depression I have been haunted by for over 6 years. Except now, it feels more unmanageable than ever. Simply imagining what my life will be like now without my mom in it, is more painful than anything I have ever felt before. My mom was my guide, my advisor, my confidante, my idol and my friend; and that’s just to name a few. She was the smartest, most giving and caring person you could ever know. She was also an artist in every way. She painted, sketched, repurposed, designed, created stained glass… the list goes on.
She also wrote. She had her own blog… well, she had multiple over the years. I know of a few of them but there was one that was more personal to her that I hope to find soon, dedicated to her battle with ovarian cancer. She kept this one private and shared it with other sufferers of the horrible disease, I believe because she wanted to truly be honest and share her deepest feelings; whether they were good or bad. Blogging and writing is something her and I shared because it is where we both felt we could release our true feelings without being criticized by the people we knew. We understood each other on that level, which is why I never asked her for her most recent blog address and she never asked me for mine. I hope now to find it, because I want to be able to look back on her words and connect with her. She had such a way with words, and she was always so uplifting, optimistic and inspiring even on the worst days. I have always admired her for that. Even if -as a pessimistic person myself- it annoyed me a little.
Yesterday I remembered her by doing the things she loved. I drank English Breakfast Tea with cream, I scratched 4 lotto tickets (and won $4 haha), and I went to the Stanley Park Christmas train because we used to do that over the holiday season. Throughout my days now I often find myself considering what she would say or do in certain situations in order to help myself make better decisions. It’s safe to say her and I would not always have agreed haha.
So I want to close this post, by saying that I want to continue on with my blogging and writing, for me and for my mom. She documented her struggle and her journey and I know she would want me to keep writing. It’s not going to be a straight shoot, and it’s going to be hard but I want to honour her and make her proud. I don’t think I could ever measure up to the person that she was, but it can never hurt to try and get close.
So to my mom: I love you, and I miss you terribly. This is all for you.